I am resisting the undying urgency of a goal uncompleted. Ultra races are ultimately a low stakes competition, something that tests our will to endure, problem solving, and ability to push through unknown conditions. What happens when the will isn’t enough? I have struggled to process my scratch over the last couple of days. I don’t want to associate a bike ride with my overall strength of character, but when you pour the resources you have available into training, preparation, and travel- it is hard to remember that this is just a race.
It can act as a determinant of self grit, character, and self determination, but not always. And for me, after this race, it’s important to remember the “not always” phrase. As someone that consumes upwards of thousands of hours of podcasts, most aimed in the direction of self development (or self help, as my sister candidly calls it) I am intimately familiar with mental tools and practices our favorite elite endurance athletes regularly put to the test. I am an athlete, but I am not elite. I’ll follow these professionals on strava and have the AUDACITY to compare stats like heart rate, power, or mileage. Annie!!! What!
I ride my bike (or run), because it is something that gives me joy. Despite working through the race with Hannah and having our moments of laughter, joy, and commiseration, I wasn’t finding a lot of joy in the act of cycling itself. I felt like this was something I was doing just to say I DID something. It’s May. I haven’t competed or done a race since August of 2024. I ached for a challenge. The Accursed Race delivered.
I believe we made a decision based on the information in front of us at the time, but I wish I remembered Sally McCrae’s advice to think about “what story do you want to tell yourself tomorrow” (or in this case, a week). I lost sight of that. I lost sight of the 6+ months of training and yearning for an avenue to ‘prove myself’ on a larger stage than my indoor trainer.
Maybe that’s a lesson learned: have Sally’s advice on my top tube for next time. It’s hard to admit you weren’t as steadfast or strong as you anticipated in your training. You didn’t measure up to what you believe your capabilities can and should look like, but I am working on remembering that these are the days! This is the point. There is no easy way through long journeys, and there will be some new avenue to challenge and change your outlook- maybe not the anticipated one either.
My past couple of days have included a lot of food, sleep, sugar, and wine- an irresistible combination- post ultra finish or not. Hannah and I are headed up to the Veneto trail tomorrow morning to rediscover some of the beauty that lies within cycling and pushing our minds and bodies – despite the fact it’ll be outside of a race category.
We cycle because we love it, we run, we lift and do yoga because these things bring us sparks of joy and make us feel whole. Movement gives us people we’d never met, shows us sunsets we’d never see, and opportunities to live outside- something so precious in a shrinking natural world.